#IAmNotNewToTheBusinessOfGrief – Notes On Grief
Sean, I do not think those images can fly on your page.
Chazy, Let’s have more photos focused on Sean with fewer distractions, please.
You can do your running around while Jomane takes the photos.
Yo! J, what’s good…?
It was a regular work day. I was virtually directing one of the music brands I work with. I got up from there to wash each tile in my bathroom with due diligence and ease. I decided I would go easy and not expend all my energy like I used to, and that was exactly what I achieved.
I took my shower right after and said my afternoon prayers while my lunch was done. I could tell how fast the hours flew by as I arrived at my evening workout time. A thoughtful birthday girl at the gym showed me where her cake sat to have a piece, and I returned home after a well-spent, productive day.
BUT
That day marked nine years since I had my first taste of grief.
3rd April 2014, 12:41 p.m.: I was about to set the pot of water for eba on the cam gas outside my room that served as the cooking space for my neighbours and me in Uni. when my Nokia 1280 phone rang impatiently to announce that my sister was no longer breathing.
I can replay the events of that day vividly in my head, like yesterday. I could tell what was happening at each passing hour nine years ago as I went about my regular day in 2023. They came in rippled thoughts and were no longer cold flashes that struck my melancholic pores.
By 4:36 pm on the fateful day, I’d made my way to my late sister’s street, where up to 30 volumes of stares and sad nods confirmed to me that I was not dreaming as I wished all through my journey from Ogbomosho to Ibadan.
I met with the dead body of my agile sister; her friends gathered to tell a lot of unbelievable tales till our parents walked into a destiny they cried God changed. It was a sorrowful vigil until the morning of her burial. Nobody blinked to sleep.
The day after presented me with the reality that I had no luxury of time to grieve with final-year exams waiting for me back at Uni.
This is the clearest memory I have; I remember so well...
WHAT HAS HAPPENED….?
HEALING has happened over TIME, and I am truly in a position to say that time helps when we CHOOSE to heal. I no longer feel condemned. I no longer nurse the gloom, even though it took its turn molding me before finally easing off. I no longer scratch for painful memories that would ache my throat; I no longer nurse fear of whatever; and my PTSD did well to kiss me goodbye at its appointed time.
For the first time in nine years, my mom did not feel the need to mention what the day was in history. We both had a very normal day talking about every other thing and we ended it without tears.
WHAT’S REAL?
What is real is that everybody will have a taste of grief and death. We would lose our loved ones and eventually leave this world too. (Was that harsh?)
Ok Newsflash!
What if I told you I lost another sibling in 2020, following a close friend in 2017? My friends have lost relatives whom I knew as well; distant friends have gone, and I would view posts of people mourning their loved ones. The most popular is Davido coming back from grief.
Now you get it: these things happen to us; it is a natural phenomenon given the name “grief.” It is not strange, but the awe of it renders it unexpected.
GOOD NEWS
The darkness will pass; sooner or later, we will live again. We will continue life even though we vow not to ever forget. (I tattooed my wrist with the date.)
It is also very natural for this shift to happen. The great news is God’s ways of inspiring us to come closer (you wonder why through grief). This is by far the biggest way to reckon with God’s unquestionable ways: He gave us this life that we hold so dear, and He takes it back without warning.
This was the point for me to draw nearer to God, no thanks to depression (a talk for another time)—I wanted to come out feeling better so badly that I started to supplicate to God more. He designed the situation in such a way that no one I revered for their spiritual knowledge, not even my father, could provide answers to the pain I felt. Then I knew to depend on Him more than ever; it has become a lifestyle years down the line.
It’s been quite an excruciating journey, and I can relate to other people’s feelings so well. God is the enigma behind these happenings, and in Him alone is our ease.
I curated some notes, thoughts, and expressions I have put out HERE at different times and occasions. I hope this helps anyone; you are not alone. ❤